I met him today but,

 I met him today, after it’s been a year, for the first time my heart didn’t ache, my stomach didn’t vibrate with fear, my eyes didn’t pour water, my mind didn’t flood with thoughts. Does it mean I moved on? Why am I so surprised to even consider this? Of course, it’s been a year and the way things have been is just so clumsy that I can’t even seem to be happy about this new change. My whole world fell apart, at least it felt like that then, I don’t even know when I reconstructed it. I waited for him, I did, for a very long time and it was hard, really hard. Every time it felt like I’m dying out of fear, I was hoping for a flower to blossom in the middle of desert. I was expecting a miracle to happen standing in middle of sahara desert. I prayed for that miracle to happen, I believed that, I believed that for a very, very long time, a year may not seem a long time for people, but those every second of past year, I know the pain I endured, I know the same loop I played in my mind, I relived the events over and over again and again. Now that I’m stepping forward its haunting me that I’m not allowed to this. It was like a perfect relationship, not only for me, for people around me as well. Now that its visible that I’m moving on, the talk, the look of people around me is torturing me. It says that I’m not allowed, I shouldn’t be doing this, it feels like they are trying to say that I’m giving up. Honestly, I don’t know if I’m giving up. I tried really hard. No matter if it appears like that or not. Moving on doesn’t mean that I’m ready to date other people, its just that I no longer stand right in the middle of a desert to pray for a miracle to happen. Does that mean I gave up? This question is something I don’t have an answer for. Even If I did give up, does that mean I didn’t love him? if not why the sight of my people makes me think so. They are my people, of course it matters what they think of me, and I don’t like to be looked down by them. I’m in a dilemma, will anyone ever understand that I loved him and I really tried hard, I clung to that hope, for a long time, I really did.